By V.M. Chaplain
Podcast version, in 3 parts:
So, here’s the secret.
Marry a person that you already friends with.
No? Too easy?
Okay, fine. Go meet someone one new, make friends, then marry them.
First, you need to find a friend that is oriented so that you are both able to be attracted to each other (straight, bi, gay, etc). For simplicity, I am going to use a term as the pronouns they/them for the object of your affection.
That’s all. You need to find them someone attractive who might find you attractive.
Too simple? Fine.
Then, you make friends with them. It’s a dance. You will do this dance by asking them questions. Listen to the answers. Show interest in anything that they are interested in. If it sounds dumb, let them convince you. If you find them attractive.
How do you know if you find them attractive?
I have no idea. That’s on you.
Kinda. The truth is if you like them as a person you will begin to find them physically attractive. Pretty is as pretty does. If a person is pretty inside you will find them pretty on the outside. Or perhaps pretty enough.
Enough is a very important word. You must believe that you are good enough to deserve to be loved. If you do not believe that now, then this is not the talk for you.
Side note: You deserve love. You were made in the image of God. You are not God. But God loves you enough to make you in his own image. God is worthy of all love and all worship and all honor and all glory. But, God chose to make you. God loves you. Therefore, you are worthy of being loved by people. If that is not enough to convince you, then you should see someone will help you see that. I have a therapist, psychiatrist, pastor, spouse, and lots of friends. Please call or visit these people and ask if you are worthy of being loved. They will say yes. You are worthy of being loved. You are enough.
The second half of the dance is: do they respond to you? Do they respond with body language that mirrors yours? Do they ask you questions? Do they listen to your answers? Do they communicate with you? Do they pursue communication with you — as long as you pursue communication with them?
That is it.
Here are some tips:
One: you will instinctively look for what you need. It is called attraction.
Two: if you make friends with them, you will begin to build trust.
Three: if you are attracted to someone and you begin to trust them it is called affection.
Four: when appropriate you begin to share your life with them. This is very important. You need to move slowly. Trust and affection are and are not built in a day. It takes months.
Five: when you have trust and affection that begins to create intimacy. Intimacy is created by telling the truth. It is also called vulnerability.
Six: when you have trust and vulnerability it creates intimacy.
IMPORTANT: Do not be vulnerable with your feelings or your body with someone who has not earned that vulnerability. It must be slowly earned over time. If this person does not want to wait to earn your vulnerability and to give you their vulnerability, dump them. They are not worth your time. Period.
How to create intimacy: tell them what you need and let them try to give it to you. Ask them what they need and try to give it to them. You will get it wrong. They will get it wrong. You are made in the image of God but you are not God. You will make mistakes. Forgive yourself. Forgive them.
Seven: when you have created trust and created intimacy, that means you are in love.
Eight: share your life with that person. Share your life with that person in whichever way you feel is appropriate and correct to your morals to your God.
- If you need help asking good questions, there is a PDF online called 10,000 questions for couples. My spouse used that tool when we were dating. It is an excellent tool to make friends.
- Go slow with sexual and emotional vulnerability. It must be slow. If you rush into intimacy, it will not be real.
- Trust yourself.
- Believe that you are enough.